Ask the Futurist!

A futurist harnesses the energy of a crystal ball.

Unknowable forces at work.

Actual, real pronoucements of gnomic wisdom from a bona-fide, true-life Futurist!

Soothseeker A
What does my future hold?
The light grinding of your left leg on a spinning mill wheel. Torrid love in the back seat of a Morris Minor. Indifference where there should have been remorse. Accordion lessons. Death. Next!
Soothseeker B
Will there be peace in death?
Yes, there is no dancing. Next!
Soothseeker C
Where are my car keys?
Where you left them. Next!
Soothseeker D
What is the secret to eternal life?
Never grow old. Next!
Soothseeker E
How can I prevent my barberries from withering in the frosty winter months?
Gather your barberries and horde them in the inner caverns of your abode. Next!
Soothseeker F
How might a blind man perceive a rainbow?
Through the feeble pronouncements of the partially sighted. Next!
Soothseeker G
Where is my treasure buried?
Sail to the Salty Seas. Tack west some eighty leagues from Skull Promontory. Land at the Island of Freudian Nightmares. Follow the direction of the setting sun until you reach a tree in the shape of a panther riding a unicycle. Turn right and walk one hundred and fifty paces in the gait of a one-legged man. You are in a nunnery. Renounce all treasures. Next!

There is no next. It is the end.