A cyclone looms across a barren landscape.

The first sign.

And you will know that day for ...

Heathen jelly will drip from unrepentant eyeballs.
Holy fat will ooze from the fingertips of the penitent.

Sense will be made from the chattering of beasts.
Men and fish will live in harmony.
Apocalypse will break out amongst the pigs and squirrels.

The unborn will ride upon the backs of the dead.
Babies will be carried off by ravens.
Grown women will be swallowed into the depths of the earth.
Grown men will be released into the sky.

Soft fruit will become hard and bitter.
Hard fruit will relax into mush.

Lava flows will evaporate all televisions and the means of their production.
Treble-headed serpents will stalk the floors of your cinema.
Circus cars and out-sized trikes will be the only form of transport.

Boils will become the currency of men and growths and cankers for change.
Fingernails will be shed to reveal claws.
All hair will be revealed to have been a wig.

Weary women will wash with waste water whilst wizened weasels watch warily.
Corrosive rain will melt the skin from your palm.

All authors will be forced to grind the wheel from dawn until dusk.
All milkmaids will be inexplicably replaced by different milkmaids.

Pastes will harden to succumb only to persistent licking.
All pâté will become false pâté.
Terrines will collapse despite meticulous preparation.
Potted meats will evaporate into porky gases.
Preserves and jams will be banished into the inscrutable order of condiments.
Pickles and sauces will delight neither man nor animal.
Mustards will not satisfy the fishes of the sea.

The turn of the turf will reverse.
What was clockwise will become counter-clockwise.
It will be pandemonium, there is no other word for it.

When you see these signs, prepare to be judged.