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Big Chief Shallie Riffelbird

The cover of the May 2010 issue of Gouge Monkey. Main story: Wampum! We smoke a pipe of peace with Big Chief Shallie Riffelbird.

Who is he?

Raised by Red Indians, he worked for fifteen years as a pastry chef in a back door gateaux factory. This accounts for the trunks that be his arms. Many eggs have been whipped, my friends. Many eggs have been defeated.

He is famous for leaping. This is on account of him bobbing towards the high shelves for rare baking pastes and long lost angelica. There were no stepladders in those days, whippersnappers.

Best move?

Spirit Totem — With the Spirit Pipe, he summoneth the souls of his ancestors in the form of the legendary totem: Riffelbird, Pofflecat and Horrendulous Bison. Then he breaks your arm.

Good or evil?

Evil, but like a beast. Only Toot Toot Fabergé can sooth his savage, Native American morality.